To my son, on my second, lonely Mother’s Day…

My sweet Teddy Bear,

Today is mother’s day. It’s my second one without you and it hurts just the same. I hope you’re enjoying heaven and I hope you’ve met some of our family by now. I can’t wait to see you someday. I miss you so much down here. So does your daddy. I wish it wasn’t this way. I wish that my body had been able to hold you for just a bit longer. I wish you could be learning to walk right now. I wish that I could see your sweet face and give you a ton of kisses while you squirm away from me to go play. I bet you’d have your daddy’s bright blue eyes and blonde curly hair. I hope you’d have my nose and ears, though. I know you’d have our stubbornness and gift of laughter. How I wish I could hear you laugh. I wish I could hear your daddy sing the bumblebee song and tickle you to pieces. I wish I could feel your little arms around my neck and your slobbery kisses on my cheek. I would give anything to hear you say “Mama” or “Dada” or whatever you can muster at a year old. I would love to see you playing with your 3 year old cousin and the twins and watch you learn from each other. You would have Batman shirts and Superman shirts and converse tennis shoes and little button up shirts. You’d have chubby little cheeks and everyone would pinch them. You’d look just like your daddy and make my heart melt. 

Son, you are so loved. By mommy, daddy, your grandmas and grandpas, great grandmas and great grandpas, aunts and uncles, and all our friends. We will never forget you, sweetheart. We only had you a short time because you came just a bit too early. That’s okay. Mommy is impatient, too. You died in daddy’s arms while we prayed over you and thanked God for you. You are a gift and though we had to hand you back to Jesus sooner than we wanted to, we were lucky to have you as long as we did. I will always remember the first time you kicked around, how much you moved listening to ACDC, your sweet face when I held you for the first time, and the peace I felt when I asked God to hug you for me. 

I don’t have a lot of words right now. I just want you to know that we love you, we miss you, and we hope you’re enjoying heaven til we can get there.

My little angel child.

I love you with all my heart.

You are a treasure to me. Give Mamaw a hug for me. Both grandpas, too. And find daddy’s PawPaw and Grandpa Stubb. Love on them for us.

I’ll love you forever,

Mom

Advertisements

It Is Finished (my Easter Devotional for Good Friday)


Before his crucifixion, Jesus was scourged.  Roman soldiers bared the upper half of his body and tied his hands to a pillar.  He was forced to bend double with his spinal column exposed.  Then, Jesus was flogged with a 3-pronged whip comprised of three leather thongs connected by pieces of bone and metal on a chain.

Continue reading

Pork and Beans

I’mma do the things that I wanna do
I ain’t got a thing to prove to you
I’ll eat my candy with the pork and beans
Excuse my manners if I make a scene
I ain’t gonna wear the clothes that you like
I’m fine and dandy with the me inside
One look in the mirror and I’m tickled pink
I don’t give a hoot about what you think
Weezer

     I did something terrible last week. Twice. I betrayed myself and my husband and I did it at work. As I did the walk of shame to my desk, I was stopped by two coworkers who stopped and scolded me. They were in shock at what they’d just caught me doing. They didn’t know all the details, but I did. I joked with them to ease the tension and it killed me inside. I was being sneaky and got caught. I knew what I’d done was wrong and I have to fess up. I’m doing this so that people who read this will know and maybe hold me accountable in the future.

Are you ready to hear this? You might think of me differently and just know that I am so, so sorry if you do…

I ate a cookie in a broom closet and a piece of cake with buttercream icing at my desk.


Continue reading

Go, Cubbies. Go…

“Go and celebrate with a feast of rich foods and sweet drinks, and share gifts of food with people who have nothing prepared. This is a sacred day before our Lord. Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!”

Nehemiah 8:10 NLT

This is a sacred day indeed, and I will tell you why…

I have this friend who’s kind, funny, smart, sensitive, and so precious to me. I love her to death. She’s super talkative and friendly and she’s a great addition to the greeter team at church because she always has a smile on her face. If you walk in and she knows you and cares about you, she will squeal, jump up and down, and hug you super tight. It’s the best thing ever to experience. She loves Jesus. I mean, LOVES Him. I see her crying during worship service sometimes and it makes me so happy. Not because she is crying, obviously, but because she is so beautifully sensitive to the Holy Spirit and when He’s there, she knows it. I’ve seen her singing along and smile and then the tears just start. Then my tears start. I know I can always count on her to let me know when the River of the Holy Spirit is flowing during service. It’s a wonderful gift she has… She’s bright and never forgets ANYTHING. I mean that literally. She’s got this crazy accurate memory, possibly eidetic, for anything anyone has ever said to her or done to/with/for her. It’s freaky because I’ll joke with her and say “I never said that, Whit.” and she will say, with 100% confidence, “Yes you did, Se.” And I believe her every single time. (That’s her nickname for me.”Se”, pronounced “see”. She shortens my name because I shortened hers. It’s adorable and I will treasure it forever.)

Continue reading

He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother(Neighbor)…

God has been really laying something on my heart lately… It scares me, makes my stomach churn, makes my head dizzy, makes my heart race, makes me feel overcome with fear, and I really just don’t want to do it.

He wants me to love my neighbors… Like, my actual neighbors in my apartment complex.
Aww, crap…

Continue reading

Find My Way

The following is the story of after I gave birth to our son… I’m leaving out some pretty painful and intimate details from right after we gave the nurse our son’s body. Mostly because they hurt to much, but also because I feel that they are too personal and will remain between my husband and I. This one might get a bit long, because I’m going to try and give you a view of the last 4 months and how we have healed, grown, and walked this dark road. Continue reading

Tears in Heaven… Part 4, Finale

*Disclosure for sensitive readers: this blog is going to hurt. Not only me writing it, but anyone reading. Especially anyone who has experienced a miscarriage or a stillborn birth. The following story details the day we lost our son as a stillborn. If you don’t think you can handle reading about something that painful and traumatic, I don’t blame you. It’s not fun writing it either.*(Posting this here again Just In Case…) Continue reading

I Will Carry You… Part 3

*Disclosure for sensitive readers: this blog is going to hurt. Not only me writing it, but anyone reading. Especially anyone who has experienced a miscarriage or a stillborn birth. The following story details the day we lost our son as a stillborn. If you don’t think you can handle reading about something that painful and traumatic, I don’t blame you. It’s not fun writing it either.* Continue reading